No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
