I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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