I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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