god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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