We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
