I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
