I am puke
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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