Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
