Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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