Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
After last night, I could never be a politician.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
