that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
