Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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