I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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