forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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