I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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