Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
