there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
