puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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