The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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