there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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