remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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