the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
