6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
