You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
