I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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