I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
