it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
