perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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