Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
