Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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