You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
