Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
worst night to have a conscience
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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