I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
