You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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