we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
