she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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