Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
