I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
