too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
