Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
