Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
