You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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