my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
