Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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