I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
