When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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