I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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