we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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