your thong is hanging out like whoa
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
