they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
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