I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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