That's intense
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
