If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
